tiny-vessels:

GPOYW - I will always be a child at heart, no matter how grown-up I may seem.

Jessica is just precious.

and i’m not sure we’ve ever found a more accurate description of our friendship, or our lives.

“Thank you for always being closest to me even when we were in separate time zones and separate stages of life. Thank you for not letting us get split by dumb facts like distance or time. Thank you for never giving up on our friendship, for never shrugging and being like “Eh, things change, people change” and drifting away vaguely because we’re victims of circumstance. We all get distant to a certain degree when we make huge transitions but you didn’t let me get very far because you knew what was truly important.

Thank you for taking care of me in every way possible, for being there when no one else was or wanted to be and when you didn’t even have to be.” 

“Thank you for being genuinely concerned with the outcome of my life and always listening, even when you’re tired. Thank you for telling me the things no one wants to hear and sparing the bullshit advice. I can’t think of many other people I’d actually take a bullet for.” 

so yeah, thank you best friend. i love you lots and lots and lots.

out of nowhere. her boyfriend graduated basic and then they went and got married. she turned 21 less than two months ago. and as happy as i am for her, and as deserving of happiness as she is, i’m also kind of bummed that for the second time in six months, one of my friends has gotten married without telling anyone. i just can’t see myself ever wanting to do that. i want my friends and family to get to see me marry the love of my life. they’re truly perfect for one another, though. and i know her life is going to be amazing.

i’ve known this girl since we were 6 and 7. we were neighbors for 4 years, and really close even after i moved. we fought over not one but two boys, broke two windows together and at least 3 go-karts. we would sit on her roof for hours singing mariah carey, watching the cars go by, planning our escape from small town friendly. i drank liquor for the first time with her, and was with her at a thanksgiving parade when i found out my uncle had died. she sat with me for an hour while i stared at her floor. 

i spent most of my formative years with her, playing softball and bitching about our mothers. when cara got me tickets for my birthday to see jack’s mannequin and the fray, i skipped it and went to her graduation. there was no way i was missing that. but damn it, i missed her wedding and i’m a little peeved.

i love her all the same though. so congratulations, sweetie. 

i haven’t been nearly as happy as i should be in months. but somehow, despite a lot of crappy situations, i think i’m on the upside of it. finally. 

i like being an eternal optimist and enjoying all the people around me, i’m glad i’m getting back to that. 

fightoffyourdemons-:

22 was quite possibly the best birthday I’ve had, ever. So many friends in one place, plus a bunch of people I didn’t know who treated me like a friend. Everyone stopped at midnight and sang happy birthday to me. I danced with a nice stranger. I drank, but not too much. Sierra went through so much trouble to try and make that party perfect, and even though all her plans didn’t pull through, the simple fact that she tried some of that stuff means the world to me. (Planning this party got her & Blake to speak to each other again and I never thought that would happen. So glad my two besties can resolve their differences and come together for me!) It’s the first birthday I’ve spent single in years, but it was a reminder of how many special people I have in my life who really love me. I’m so grateful for every single person that went out of their way to wish me a happy birthday.

I’m really upset that there aren’t more pictures from my birthday but the photographer was having too much fun. Can’t complain about that! 

(PS: The next day I went home & had an amazing dinner with my family + cannoli cupcakes my mom made up [so amazing] and opened presents. The day after that I saw Henry Rollins with Blake at the Orange Peel and it was perfect.)

I hope this is a good indication of how awesome the next year is going to be. Bring it on.

i’m not sure how i missed this but now, upon stalking your tumblr for 10 minutes, i have found it and i’m so glad you enjoyed yourself so much. i love you and you’re the best so you deserved the best.

and as for blake and i, “richard petty” differences, you know?

Explaining how thankful I am for this girl would take years. Explaining how she has changed my life, and how lost I would be without her would be even harder. So I will say this: Cara Michele Tanner, you are a beautiful, amazing person with great spirit and a drive that we should all aspire to. It might have taken us a while to come around to it, but your friendship has become one of the great milestones of my life and I don’t like to imagine life without you. I’m so glad your party was a success, I’m sorry I was such a downer, I’ll make it up to you. Blake and I are still probably hoping this will make it a little harder for you to leave us, because boy will that be a sad day. 

But for now, I plan to take advantage of every moment I can and keep you as close to me as possible. You were placed in my life at a time when I needed a guiding force, and you may not believe in angels, but I do.

I love you, birthday girl. So so much.

There is currently a very sick and sleepy Christopher on my couch right now. He got here at like 1:30 last night and following one episode of Colbert and a like two hours of Intervention I finally fell asleep and he promptly got super icky. I sleep like a rock sometimes so I have no recollection of him being up all night, but apparently he was.

Since then we’ve taken him to the doctor, promised his parents/girlfriend that he would be okay, therefore keeping them from driving 2.5 hours to pick him up, made him soup, and covered him in mountains of blankets. He’s sleeping but I know he’s still not good. I wish I could do more. Feel better soon, best friend. This is wasted Netflix time, yo.

i don’t think i took a breath the whole time we were in wilmington on saturday. i had to actually tell myself to look in any direction other than yours. nothing you said comforted me at all, but i knew you were just being yourself and talking about the one thing you had to talk about. you got the laughs you were looking for and the “wow” moments that you knew would come after your many stories, and even through all these things that inevitably should’ve made me cry, i still smiled and laughed and continued to rack my brain for anything i could think of that i would rather be doing. i couldn’t find a single thing.

we spent over 2 years not really talking at all, yet nothing has changed. i’ve changed and you’ve changed, but we haven’t changed. that’s comforting, i guess. i missed my friend, i’m glad he’s back. and alive.

“Not until you saw into my cracks and I saw into yours. Before that, we were just looking at ideas of each other….but once the vessel cracks, the light can get in. The light can get out.” - Paper Towns, John Green

One of my biggest downfalls is and will always be how easily I can see people as the people I want them to be, instead of who they actually are. I place people on pedestals that they promptly fall off of, which in all honesty is my fault. I’ve done it for years. It’s not so much that I expect people to be perfect, that’s not it. I am incredibly flawed, more than anyone else I know, and I know that there are people in my life that still love me, regardless of said flaws. So it’s not that I expect perfection, it’s more that when I love someone I want to believe that they are perfect. That’s not fair. But I can’t help it.

So after the grand fall that is nearly inevitable, I actually get to know the person. I get to find out who they are, I get to come to terms with things I might not have seen before. And that’s when I find what I love about people most, I think.

In the past week two of my best friends have in one way or another told me that I’m a pro at sabotaging myself every time I start to get close to someone. I’m perfectly aware of this, but it still sucks to hear it and face it. Even more so, the fact that so many of the other aspects of my life are starting to fall together the way they’re supposed to but I’m still not able to let myself be happy is obviously upsetting.

I have to learn to trust that things will work out, and people will stay. Easier said than done, though.

Sometimes when we can’t go to Cullowhee, Cullowhee comes to us.

And now I know why the all the trees change in the fall
I know you were on my side even when I was wrong
And I love you for giving me your eyes
For staying back and watching me shine
And I didn’t know if you knew, so I’m takin’ this chance to say
That I had the best day with you today

daisyblue:

I am so ready for you, Fall.

I need to get some things off my chest before I explode, so this is entirely for my benefit and can be ignored by all.

My grandmother is probably the nicest and strongest person I’ve ever met. She’s the best person all around that anyone in her position could’ve ever turned out to be. People tell me constantly that they are better for having met and known her. I know I am.

I have faith because of my grandmother. I have a religion that is unshakable, believe me, some have tried. I believe with every fiber of my being that I was allowed to have a father for a lot longer due to her presence. If it hadn’t been for her, I’m sure I would have lost him a lot earlier than I did. And for that I will be eternally grateful.

But for the past three decades, my grandmother has had to struggle daily and watch those closest to her pass away. Siblings, her husband, her mother, her best friends, her son. And for a woman who believes in a heaven that will free her of pain and leave only happiness, it’s hard to keep fighting to live in this world. She has the strongest faith of anyone I’ve ever seen, but over the past year I’ve watched that faith diminish and it’s starting to break me.

My grandfather died like….35 years ago. Maybe more. Either way, it’s been a long time now that she’s had to struggle and take care of her family all alone. My mom always tells me about how when she and my dad were dating and first go married my grandmother was still working two jobs to support her kids. She worked at Belks and at a local mill. I’ve never had one job and this woman was working two in her late 40’s.

And she always made sure she got her 4 children to church on Sundays.

I’ve been surrounded by strong women who set stellar examples for me my entire life. But she is the epitome of greatness. And now she’s 83 and her life is catching up to her. She’s so tired and weak, but I also know the thought of leaving my sister scares her to death. She’s probably my sister’s best friend. I was the same way with my mom’s dad, so I understand it, but it scares me to think she could be going through what I went through sometime soon.

The way my family is handling her failing health isn’t exactly pleasing me either. But the Rectors are most annoyingly strong willed and I’ve never really had a say in what goes on so they might as well sit me back at the kid’s table and continue with business as usual.

I’m ranting and none of this makes sense. I just dread the day I get that phone call.